


Found Wanting

by drunknpylades



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parenting, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-18 23:49:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2366501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunknpylades/pseuds/drunknpylades
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His father had always said that Yamazaki men don’t cry. Sousuke may not have mastered the art of holding in his tears, but he’d gotten very good at making sure no one noticed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Found Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> Moving another fic from tumblr. 
> 
> A friend and I started talking about Sousuke's home life and this idea would not leave me alone

His father had always said that Yamazaki men don’t cry. Sousuke may not have mastered the art of holding in his tears, but he’d gotten very good at making sure no one noticed.

When he was five Sousuke’s eyes had welled up with pitiful tears when he’d been told that he couldn’t have ice cream before dinner. Looking back on it, that had been a stupid thing to cry over but he’d been young. His father was only teaching him the right way to be a man.

"Wipe those tears, son. You’re a Yamazaki. Can’t have you crying every time you don’t get your way. It’s unsightly."

The words and tone of voice had only made his eyes burn more, fat tears falling silently down his cheeks. Not even his mother’s arms had made them stop.

—

He’s eight when the class hamster dies. The entire walk home is spent in silence. Both he and Rin walking side by side, shoulders brushing and lips quivering with the effort to stay silent.

Of course his mother asks what’s wrong. Of course he doesn’t tell her. If he opens his mouth the tears are going to come and he knows there will be no stopping them. The sadness is like a lead weight in his chest and his father’s eyes are a solid presence at his back.

His pillow is soaked that night, but the tears have dried up by morning.

—

His mother dies when Sousuke is nine. He doesn’t cry.

—

There’s a test weighing heavily in his backpack.

He knows it’s not satisfactory. Not good enough.

Sousuke’s english has never been on the level his father would like and he can only be glad that he’s going to stay with Rin and Gou for the weekend. It gives him time to think about how to explain himself.

Unfortunately the Matsuoka siblings know him too well. They pick up on his mood moments after arriving home and drag the truth out of him kicking and screaming.

"But you did better than me!" Rin cries. He’s holding Sousuke’s arms down, looking at him upside down from where he’s kneeling by his head.

Sousuke looks away, tears prickling at his eyes. How can he explain that it doesn’t matter? That it’s never good enough?

Gou pinches his ankle, stretched out across his legs. “We think you’re awesome Sousuke. No matter what your stinky dad says.”

Rin agrees, arms going around Sousuke’s neck as they both hug the air right out of him. If there’s a hitch to his breath and salt on his cheeks when they release him, no one mentions it.

—

They lose the relay.

Of course they do. Their teammates haven’t been swimming very long and Sousuke could tell before they even got on the starting block that things weren’t going to go well.

He hates that because of someone else’s shortcomings he has to share in the loss. He hates going home when he’s lost. It’s just another reason for his father to point out that he could be doing much more useful things with his time.

Rin’s eyes are furious and Sousuke knows he’s messed up. He knows that somehow he’s lost again. He wasn’t smart enough to see what was right in front of him. And now Rin’s upset.

He can’t lose Rin. Can’t bear to have Rin be the one to tell him that he’s not worth the trouble anymore. So he walks away first.

His eyes are burning and his shoulders shake, but his face is dry.

—

Rin tells him he’s found someone to swim the relay with. His face is so open, so happy that Sousuke has to clench his hands into fists, nails biting into his palms to stop himself from crying. He can’t let Rin know that those few words have ripped him open inside.

Rin is his everything. He’s tried so hard to be good enough, to be worth his time, but it seems Rin is moving on in spite of that.

They stay friends. Of course they do. There’s too much history between them to just cut ties, but deep down Sousuke knows that while they may still be friends, Rin has found better ones. He doesn’t need Sousuke like Sousuke needs him.

—

Australia.

Thousands of miles and an ocean away. He cries enough that night to put another ocean between them. Locked in his room, face buried in his pillow Sousuke lets himself cry for the friend he’s just realized he can’t live without.

—

The letters stop coming and he can’t even dredge up the energy to be upset. He’s not even worth the cost of a stamp.

—

The air in the locker room is cold. The floor is cold on his bare feet. The lockers are cold against his back.Yet the pain in his shoulder is roaring through him like wildfire and setting his skin ablaze.

Sousuke is fifteen and tears prick at his eyes while he forces them back out of sheer stubbornness. All he can hear in his head is his father, reminding him that Yamazaki men don’t cry, that he’s not a real swimmer until he reaches the top. He hears Rin, talking about the new friends he’s made. The friends that are better than him.

He can’t let this beat him, not until he’s caught up. Not until he’s worthy. 

—

It’s a special kind of hell he’s made for himself.

He forces himself to swim, hiding pain under false smiles and long showers after everyone has gone. Being around Rin again is almost worth the pain, because just seeing him again made something in Sousuke’s chest light up like the sun.

Even if he knows he’s not really worth Rin’s time, he’s grateful that his childhood friend turned rival is still willing to let him stay by his side. He may not be the best, but at least he’s good enough for this.

—

His father stops calling him.

—

How could it have gotten this bad? How had he let it come to this again? The only thing he’s grateful for is that everyone else is too busy watching Rin to realize that he’s slipped away.

Not that he can blame them.

Rin deserves so much more attention than him. Rin deserves everything, and if this pain is what Sousuke has to deal with in order to give it to him than he’ll bear it with pride.

At least this way, under the spray of the shower, even if someone did come in they wouldn’t be able to see his shame rolling down his cheeks. 

—

Rin is crying.

Rin is choking on his words and soaking Sousuke’s jacket with his grief.

It should be pitiful. It should make him feel disgust. All Sousuke wants to do his gather the other boy in his arms and tell him it’s all alright.He wants to tell him to stop, that Sousuke’s not worth this.

Rin shouldn’t be crying. Not over him.

He feels that familiar burn behind his eyelids and his voice trembles with the effort of holding his own pain in. He’s a Yamazaki.

—

He’s not going to acknowledge Nanase. He can’t. Not when the Iwatobi swimmer is getting everything Sousuke can never have.

But he’s important to Rin, so he can at least do this. He can give the other boy a nudge in the right direction. 

Because Nanase is everything he can’t be, and this way Rin will have someone he deserves by his side.

—

His father is just as cold and unavailable as he remembered.

"So you won’t be swimming in the national tournament."

It’s not a question, but Sousuke shakes his head.

"Pity. Would have been nice to see my son accomplish something. You’ve become a bit complacent haven’t you? At least now that you can’t swim anymore, you might find a better path for your life. God knows you need it."

Sousuke clenches his jaw. Bites down on all the words clamoring in his head that fight to come spilling out.

He says nothing. His father is probably right.

A voice that sounds suspiciously like the old Rin from his memories tugs at him. “Don’t give up!”

He says nothing. What is there left to say?

—

"Who says your shoulder can’t be healed?"

"So what if it’s wrecked?"

"Don’t crush your own potential before you even try."

"I’ll be waiting for you."

—

Sousuke is nineteen when he steps foot onto Australian soil for the first time. His right arm still in a sling from the recent surgery. There’s a bag over his shoulder and an address on a fraying piece of paper in his hand.

Rin is just as beautiful as he remembers. His vibrant eyes are wide when he answers the door and Sousuke just smiles and smiles. 

"I’m home."

Rin’s eyes are glassy.

"Ah, welcome home idiot."

Sousuke cries.


End file.
